I am not over fond of resisting temptation. Oscar Wilde was right. It can give you gall stones. On top of that, as I have always said water can give the cats a hell of a headache. And if the cats are in trouble I am certain to be in the proverbial.

Cats should be wearing a warning between their ears: “We are not like dogs. We do not come when we are called. You can leave a message and we’ll get back to you.” It reminds me of politicians:” Don’t call us, we’ll call you when we need you”. The recent local elections in UK might have been a shock to the system but it will soon be water under the bridges.
Of the latter we have many in Spain. Of the former very little.

We have no choice but to accept the fact that we live in a desertic country and sand does get but everywhere. Like politicians it sticks to you in the most unpleasant fashion at the least welcome moment. Mind you, I have been subjected a few years ago to the most unusual and pleasant method of canvassing ever. The dry-walling artisan we used from time to time arrived at the door bearing a litre of honey from his beehives right up in the mountains. After the usual lengthy Spanish greetings and the enquiries about all the members of his family many times removed he handed me the honey together with a couple of election envelopes duly filled with the list of the party he obviously supported. Better than kissing babies..

Warnings have become pests. We are warned about the effects of this and the other and quite honestly, if taken seriously, all those could seriously damage your health. I was horrified the other day, being a guest at an otherwise excellent luncheon, to see a member of the party being directed to a cold terrace so he could have a cigarette. I am a non-smoker but I felt so sorry for the old boy that I braved the wind and had a very pleasant chat with this very interesting man. In our house we have only one ashtray that is usually used by the cats. Not that they are smokers (I put a stop to that years ago) but I tend to use it for their water or biscuits. When a smoker guest appears I swiftly wipe the thing and place it by his/her side. I would never ask anyone to step outside to have a smoke. This anti-tobacco hysteria seems to me out of hand. Fast food, beer, wine, spirits, fizzy drinks, water and human bores can damage your health but so far nobody is asking you to go outside and indulge.

The first national competition to promote the sensible use of English on product labelling has named and shamed a few major companies. Sainsbury came first with a warning on its Orkney salmon that this packet of food contained fish. Nytol, the over the counter sleeping aid warns that the product can cause drowsiness. On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:” Product will be hot after heating”.
I can foresee the Spanish equivalent of this State nannying. Beware of this Serrano ham, it contains pig. Watch out for “membrillo” because it is made of fruit. Don’t touch calamares, they might contain fish. Apples come from Chile so be warned that what comes from those banana republics could be not quite the ripe potato. And talking about potatoes they don’t come from Ibiza anymore. Those were the days my friends when you thought they’d never end. Ibiza harbours so many foreigners that the island crops of potatoes, very much like the Jersey Royal, cannot keep up with the demands of hungry Germans. Beware of lettuce!! They look nice and green but they contain enough chemicals to change you instantly into a long-eared green rabbit. Tomatoes are guaranteed to be red. Red is an aggressive colour and can trigger strange brain reactions. Cucumbers have got a skin. Unlike its European counterpart grown in cold frames the skin of the Spanish cucumbers has to be peeled. This is a problem. Using a vegetable peeler is a health hazard. It can damage your nails, fingers and if you are totally careless can slice the skin of your arm. Aubergines or eggplants destroy your brain by being the most boring vegetable in the Mediterranean world. Even the Greeks use it and that is saying a lot for their cooking. Eggs can damage your mental sanity by the fact that you can rely on one or two of them being broken and sticking to the carton. Just when you have decided to invite a couple of friends for scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. For scrambled eggs, in case you did not know, you need at least three eggs per person, a good lump of butter, salt and pepper and a small glass of cream. The smoked salmon should be cut in small strips and added at the last minute. A glass of Cava will be harmful being full of chemicals and a certain amount of alcohol. The salmon will be dodgy as well. It is bound to be farmed, wherever it comes from. The salmon farms of Rio Frio in Granada show an alarming increase in overcrowding and the flesh of those noble fish contains so many parasite worms that I had a special pair of tweezers to pick them out. I have stopped eating salmon long time ago. Beware of what you don’t know.
And from a friend of mine in America: “Beware!!! A dog leash attached to a ceiling fan doesn’t hold a small child wearing a Superman costume!!”
Beware of drinking water from the tap. Of course it is potable nearly in the whole of Spain but a research by a University in the States came out with startling results. As the sewage plants are not that brilliant in the Western world there is always a residue of facaes in what comes out of the tap. They have calculated that each year the average tap water drinker swallow a kilo of.. Yes you guessed.

The bottled mineral water should be a safe alternative but I have my doubts. A few years ago we found ourselves in Lanjaron, that Mecca of bottled water in the Alpujarras. We were interested in visiting the plant. A guard firmly stopped us. I explained that we wished to have a short conducted tour of the factory because I was writing a series of articles on the Alpujarras for the press. That last bit of information did it and we were shown the exit in no uncertain manner. What did they have to hide? Or were they at it like Perrier years ago? I boycotted Perrier when it came back on the Spanish market. “We have not increased the price even after the great loss in sales during the past months”. How magnanimous was the company! So it appeared except that the new bottle is now 75cl instead of a litre. At the same price..

We drink 18 bottles of sparkling water a week between the two of us. I cook with cheap white wine and sweat any vegetable in butter. That of course is deadly. Or is it? At least with butter you know what is in it. The cows grazing on the lush meadows at the foot of the Torcal produce a wonderful butter. You can buy it in slabs of 500gms, wrapped up in old-fashioned greaseproof paper for 4.10 Euros at the Co-op in Calle de la Botica in Antequera. I have not seen it anywhere else.

Last warning: stop eating the 0%fat yoghurt. It is made of ordinary water, chemicals, flavourings, conservatives and to compensate for the lack of texture and flavour it contains the equivalent of 7 teaspoons of sugar…Beware. Things are not what they seem.